Originally written in 2009:
I was going to wait a few days to think about this some more, but I changed my mind and decided to jump into the topic of parental contributions to my financial views and life practices. Fabulously Broke and Debt Chronicles did it, among others, and I will too.
Like always, I am going to try to focus on the positive (it's gonna be a challenge though).
As a young child I remember having it all. Both my parents worked and we had a house and a nice car and lots of toys, food and music. My parents liked to have a good time and I spent a lot of time at my (maternal) grandparents', who also lived comfortably and free from want.
During the recession of the early 1980s my dad made some investment mistakes and lost our house. My mom left him for this and other reasons and moved us into an apartment near her parents' place. We left our lower-middle class, multi-cultural neighbourhood for one that was primarily white and upper-middle class. I felt out of place at my new school from day one.
My mom worked long hours in an office and I spent a lot of time either on my own or with my grandparents. She managed to buy the condo we were renting, which was a real source of pride. However there was a scarcity mentality that seeped into me, against which I now struggle. There was "never enough" money for this or that. The kids at my snobby school teased me for not wearing designer labels, and I didn't have an after-school hobby like the other girls, such as figure skating, synchronized swimming, or rhythmic gymnastics. I once asked to join a baseball team but I was told there was "not enough" money for the uniforms, and besides, my mom didn't have enough time to drive me around to all the games.
When I was 13 I got my first fast-food job, because I was about to start high school and really wanted a designer shirt to wear on the first day of school. I desperately wanted to look cool. I worked part-time all through high school: in fast food, in a gas station, at a drug store ... I moved in with my dad when I was 15 and had to work because he didn't have a job at the time. I helped out by buying my own food, clothing and toiletries.
When I was 17 I went on welfare and moved into my own apartment but it was so infested with mice and cockroaches that I lasted only a couple of weeks. When I returned home my dad said that he was moving in with his girlfriend and her three kids and offered me to come along, but I didn't feel like he meant it. So I tried again on my own and have been ever since.
I worked, and I worked. I was in the minimum wage trap without any support from my parents, to whom I barely spoke during my early twenties. I took a student loan to go to college, and then more loans to get through university. When I graduated with my B.A. in 2002 my dad bought me an old car to get around in, for which I was grateful.
Both my parents have expressed a desire to "help me out" but neither seem to be able to find the resources to do so. For as long as I can remember they have had their own lives, separate from my own, and I have been able to fend for myself. I am fiercely independent and have asked for help only a couple of times, and was refused. My mom always said that "no one helped her" which I disagree with entirely, but that's another story.
EDIT: I have re-read this post a few times and I can't seem to put a more positive spin on it. However I strongly believe that I have a good life, that it all could have been so much worse, and that I have a bright future ahead. I am a work in progress, and a true success story.
I was going to wait a few days to think about this some more, but I changed my mind and decided to jump into the topic of parental contributions to my financial views and life practices. Fabulously Broke and Debt Chronicles did it, among others, and I will too.
Like always, I am going to try to focus on the positive (it's gonna be a challenge though).
As a young child I remember having it all. Both my parents worked and we had a house and a nice car and lots of toys, food and music. My parents liked to have a good time and I spent a lot of time at my (maternal) grandparents', who also lived comfortably and free from want.
During the recession of the early 1980s my dad made some investment mistakes and lost our house. My mom left him for this and other reasons and moved us into an apartment near her parents' place. We left our lower-middle class, multi-cultural neighbourhood for one that was primarily white and upper-middle class. I felt out of place at my new school from day one.
My mom worked long hours in an office and I spent a lot of time either on my own or with my grandparents. She managed to buy the condo we were renting, which was a real source of pride. However there was a scarcity mentality that seeped into me, against which I now struggle. There was "never enough" money for this or that. The kids at my snobby school teased me for not wearing designer labels, and I didn't have an after-school hobby like the other girls, such as figure skating, synchronized swimming, or rhythmic gymnastics. I once asked to join a baseball team but I was told there was "not enough" money for the uniforms, and besides, my mom didn't have enough time to drive me around to all the games.
When I was 13 I got my first fast-food job, because I was about to start high school and really wanted a designer shirt to wear on the first day of school. I desperately wanted to look cool. I worked part-time all through high school: in fast food, in a gas station, at a drug store ... I moved in with my dad when I was 15 and had to work because he didn't have a job at the time. I helped out by buying my own food, clothing and toiletries.
When I was 17 I went on welfare and moved into my own apartment but it was so infested with mice and cockroaches that I lasted only a couple of weeks. When I returned home my dad said that he was moving in with his girlfriend and her three kids and offered me to come along, but I didn't feel like he meant it. So I tried again on my own and have been ever since.
I worked, and I worked. I was in the minimum wage trap without any support from my parents, to whom I barely spoke during my early twenties. I took a student loan to go to college, and then more loans to get through university. When I graduated with my B.A. in 2002 my dad bought me an old car to get around in, for which I was grateful.
Both my parents have expressed a desire to "help me out" but neither seem to be able to find the resources to do so. For as long as I can remember they have had their own lives, separate from my own, and I have been able to fend for myself. I am fiercely independent and have asked for help only a couple of times, and was refused. My mom always said that "no one helped her" which I disagree with entirely, but that's another story.
EDIT: I have re-read this post a few times and I can't seem to put a more positive spin on it. However I strongly believe that I have a good life, that it all could have been so much worse, and that I have a bright future ahead. I am a work in progress, and a true success story.
Holy cow girl!
ReplyDeleteAt least I don't feel so alone in the corner of not having generous parents.
Anyway. It made me more independent in the end.
I don't think you need to spin it at all...it is what it is and you are a stronger person for it.
ReplyDeleteI agree with Laura. It is what it is. No need to sugar coat the obvious facts. I can completely relate and understand your every single move and your fierce independence as my life kinda unfurled similarly to what you have described only, I started out with nothing. I've never known anything but scarcity until I bumped and bumbled my way up the corporate ladder somehow, without a degree and found myself in a comfortable situation financially. Then I had a baby. Now I'm back to square one. There are days I resent not having support of any kind from my parents. But I'm also grateful because I know that I can & will always find my way. And so will you. :) And I also have a very strong faith that helps maintain the foundation that things will always work themselves out regardless of what the facts look like on the outside.
ReplyDeleteOne of life's lessons is "How to Forgive Our Parents." Some parents must be forgiven more--sometimes A LOT more--than others. But it does seem like you learned and earned a valuable financial education along the way. Learning what not to do is just as important as learning what to do. Congrats on how far you've come.
ReplyDeleteYou are actively creating a good life for you and Bean and are stronger for it!!! Thank you for sharing.
ReplyDeleteI think this post shows a lot about what kind of person you are. I personally think you are amazing.
ReplyDeleteDon't spin anything, let the truth stand. The positive is that you learned from an early age to be independent, too bad you had no choice in the lesson. I can't imagine a parent refusing to help their child, with the exception of kids who routinely abuse and take advantage of their parents help. These stories are very revealing.
ReplyDelete