Sunday, December 28, 2014

Alone and Happy

I'm supposed to be on my way to the big city right now with Bean to meet up with my mom's family for xmas dinner, but I got a call today saying that my Gramma is sick, and we are postponing to maybe next weekend. She is the reason why we get together so we meet at a restaurant near her condo. Since everyone has to drive in, and one of my cousins is also sick, and another cousin spent christmas with her baby son at Sick Kids Hospital, we will wait to get together.

I spent the morning organizing all my photo files from 2014, which I will transfer over to two separate external hard drives. I also cleaned up my desktop on my laptop. I'm trying to catch up on Feedly, but am almost three weeks behind again on blogs. Maybe I need to go through and delete a bunch, but I don't really want to.

I get a lot of ideas reading other people's blogs, but I rarely come here to flesh them out. I have been meaning to write about my solo home-buying adventure for weeks, but I'm not sure what to say. I did a disappearing act when the previous relationship ended as well. I guess I just hate admitting that I tried again, and failed again.

Both breakups - the 2011 one and the 2014 - were finally determined by lifestyle decisions. In 2011 I was pressuring my sweetheart to settle in the same city as me - any city - and I was hoping he would propose to me but he didn't. It was a painful breakup but I met Partner (ex) immediately and was so distracted by him that I never properly processed the hurt from leaving my sweetheart. Partner (ex) immediately hurt me but I stayed with him anyways. I think I thought I deserved it because of the way I left my sweetheart.

Partner (ex) had a lot of strikes against us from the beginning. The big thing - and it shouldn't have been, but it was - was the age difference. He was ten years younger than me. I spent a lot of time teaching him, mentoring him, influencing him, to get back on financial track, and I resented him a lot for it. After we moved in together I brought in a financial advisor, and two years later we had not implemented any of his suggestions. I felt like I was constantly nagging. It was awful.

One of the final straws was when I decided I wanted to retire at 55, and I needed to start preparing immediately. I was turning 40 and running out of time. Partner (ex), only 29 years old, could not imagine himself retired at 45. He planned to work till 65, take his CPP, etc. I would be 75, waiting for him.

The theme of all my relationships: waiting. I waited for Bean's father for years, I waited for sweetheart, then I found myself waiting for Partner (ex) to grow up, and I grew impatient. I told him to move out, I cashed out my RRSP, and I bought my little house.

Neither sweetheart nor Partner (ex) will talk to me now, and while it bothers me a little, I know it is for the best. When I was 17 years old, I told myself and the world that I was a feminist and I would find my own way in life, and never depend on anyone, and this became a self-fulfilling prophecy. And I'm damn proud of myself for sticking to my principles, even if it does make my journey somewhat difficult and lonely sometimes.

5 comments:

  1. Happy New Year!!!

    It's not your issue that neither one of them wish to continue communicating (we all have our emotional hang ups). And you don't necessarily need to be a feminist to want a partner who you can really consider an equal, someone who will want to build a common future together.

    Your buying a home sends out such a strong message and it will repel ones who are intimidated, cannot get their act together and attract those who can respect the planning and work it takes to make that and early retirement happen.

    Keep up the great work!

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    1. Thank you! Your perspective is very much appreciated, and I agree with you :)

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  2. Always remember there is a difference between being alone and being lonely. Too many people confuse the two and too many are afraid to be by themselves. If you like yourself, you can be very happy being alone (even if you do wish for companionship). And when you find the right partner, they'll appreciate that and love you for not being needy.

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    1. The worst is being lonely when not alone!

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    2. Pru, I am exactly 19 days behind on my Feedly, and just read your post about going private now.

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Thanks for commenting! I will have it published as soon as I can ~ Karissa